


Wanted You For So Long

by Aberial_63



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, POV Catarina Loss, Pining, Post-Canon, Post-Episode: s02e13 Those of Demon Blood, waxing poetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-17
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2020-06-30 09:56:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19850752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aberial_63/pseuds/Aberial_63
Summary: After attempting to kiss Magnus, Dot turns up on Catarina's doorstep seeking comfort. Cat tries desperately to be there for her, but her own feelings make the situation complicated.





	Wanted You For So Long

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic of many for Shadowhunters WLW Bingo! So excited to participate in this event and give some love to the often overlooked f/f pairings in the fandom <3
> 
> This submission is for Team Green and fulfills the Post Canon prompt.

When Catarina had finally tucked Madzie in and settled down on the couch with a glass of wine, she had expected to turn on the TV or dive into a warlock history book she had been meaning to get to. Catarina had been expecting to stay with her ass firmly planted in the leather cushions until 10 o'clock at the latest and then slip into bed when her eyes refused to stay open for even a second longer. 

She hadn't expected how her night would really end.

The knocking on her door was soft but insistent. Catarina thought that it could be Magnus coming to lament his romantic woes and the current complications with Alec as a result of the downworld murders, but no it didn't feel like his magic that was nudging at her wards. This energy was softer, a little more tame than her best friend's. 

Catarina rose from her seat and went to the door, careful to keep her footsteps light so as not to wake the little girl down the hall. The poor thing was terribly anxious and it had taken half an hour to convince her that she was safe here and Catrina wouldn't let anything happen to her while she slept. One loud noise and Catarina knew she'd bolt awake and never fall back asleep. 

She turned the knob and the door inched open to reveal a person Catarina hadn't talked to in a long (a too long) time. 

Dorothea Rollins. 

“Hey, Cat,” she greeted, her voice shaky and wet with an emotion that Catarina couldn't decipher. 

“Dot, hi. What are you doing here?”

“Can't a girl stop in to see an old friend?” Dot replied. It was an attempt at mirth that fell flat when combined with the way her hands couldn't seem to settle by her sides and how her eyes flitted everywhere except Catarina's own gaze. 

“Honey, if this was just a spur of the moment social call, I don't think you'd look like you're about to burst into tears.”

At that, Dot's composure crumbled for a brief second. Her lip quivered and her brow creased with despair. It was only a moment before Dot collected herself, but it was enough to show Catarina how much the woman was truly hurting. 

“Can I come in?” she asked in a whispered voice. 

Catarina knew it probably wasn't a good idea. Madzie was right down the hall. Catarina had an early shift at the hospital in the morning. Dot was someone who brought up too many complicated feelings for Catarina to count. 

No, it definitely wasn't a good idea, but Catarina couldn't bring herself to say no to Dot. She never could. 

“Yeah, of course,” Catarina answered quickly, stepping to the side to let her in. 

Catarina guided Dot to the couch. The woman fell gracelessly against the cushions as if she had no energy left to keep herself standing. 

She looked tragically beautiful, sitting there in Catarina's apartment. Her hair was a wild mess and her pretty pink dress was fanned out around her, a stark contrast to the dark leather. Her eyes were sad but breathtaking as they chanced a glance up at Catarina from beneath long lashes. 

“Can I get you a drink?” Catarina asked. “I opened a bottle of red earlier and I think there's still enough for the both of us.”

Dot's face flashed into an expression that was half smile and half grimace. 

“I think I've had more than enough alcohol tonight and any more might get me into even more trouble. Maybe just a cup of tea?”

Catarina nodded and snapped her fingers. A steaming mug appeared in the other warlock's hands as Catarina sat beside her. Dot took a tentative sip, her brows lifting at the taste. 

“Earl Grey with two sugars and a splash of cream? You remembered how I like my tea after all these years?”

Damn it. Not even five minutes with the woman and Catarina was already giving herself away. After decades of practice, she should be better at hiding it.

“Only because you were always so picky about it. God forbid I offer you a cup with one sugar. I  _ had _ to remember or else you'd have my head.”

A rough chuckle escaped past Dot's lips and Catarina's heart thudded in her chest. 

“Hey, there's nothing wrong with knowing what I like.”

Dot's eyes lingered on Catarina's face as she spoke before settling on a random point on the wall. 

The two sat in silence for a few minutes. Catarina was almost glad because it meant she could pull herself together and force her pulse to stop racing. 

Eventually, Catarina felt the quiet become heavy as the topic of what brought Dot there that night became unavoidable. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Catarina asked softly. 

“I did something stupid,” was the woman's reply.

“Are we talking you sleeping with that greasy as hell vampire back in ‘56 stupid or end of the world, apocalypse stupid?”

Catarina hoped to make her smile even a little bit, but Dot's current frown didn't budge.

“I tried to kiss Magnus.”

“Oh.”

_ Oh. _

“God, it was such a mistake. We were drunk and reminiscing about old times. We talked about our relationship. And then we started dancing and emotions were running high and I guess I got swept up in the moment and all the memories we had revived. I feel like an idiot because  _ of course  _ he wouldn't kiss me back. He's so in love with Alec, Cat, and he's such a good person. He would never hurt Alec like that. I'm just so mortified because why did I even try to kiss him? What was I thinking? Did I really expect him to-”

Cat cut off her rambling with a tender hand in her forearm. 

“Dot, take a breath,” she instructed. 

Dot obeyed and huffed out a harsh sigh. It seemed to calm her somewhat.

“Good. Now, is Magnus mad at you?” Catarina asked. 

Dot flopped back against the back of the couch and tilted her head up to stare at the ceiling miserably.

“No, he's  _ Magnus _ so of course he was understanding and kind and sweet about it.”

“Then, what's the problem?”

“I'm just embarrassed,” Dot sighed. “And confused.”

Cat leaned forward slightly, not quite understanding what Dot meant. 

“Confused?” Cat repeated. 

“I don't know why I even tried to kiss him. I swear to God, I'm not in love with him anymore. I'm not some homewrecker trying to get in between Magnus and Alec. When I look at Magnus, I don't want him, you know, in that way. That's not what it was about.”

Catarina tried to ignore the rush of relief in her veins. Dot admitting she didn't love Magnus shouldn't make such a spark of joy erupt behind her ribs, but it did. 

“Then what  _ was  _ it about, Dot?”

Dot laughed ruefully. She still focused her stare on the flat white ceiling above them. The lights from the chandelier reflected golden light on to her deep brown irises. 

“Your guess is as good as mine, Cat.”

It probably was. Cat was all too familiar with the relationship between Dot and Magnus. She'd been there when Magnus had introduced her to a gorgeous, intelligent warlock named Dot and the two were still something new and exciting. She'd been there when they had their first big fight and Catarina had found Dot sipping a gin and tonic alone in a downworlder bar, sad and desperate for company, company that Catarina was helpless to decline. She'd been there after the two went their separate ways, comforting both of them as best she could. Catarina had been there for all of it and she had always tried to support them.

With Magnus, it had been easy. Catarina and Magnus were uncomplicated, simple. They were best friends and that was that. She'd known exactly how to help him. 

With Dot, it had been near unbearable. Because how do you tell the girl you might have real feelings for that you're sorry to hear she is single now? How do you be there for your best friend's ex- girlfriend when you know what it feels like to make her smile and hear her laugh just for you? How do you fight the crushing guilt that comes with the involuntary pounding of your heart when you pull her into what is supposed to be a comforting embrace? 

“Well, you said you were reminiscing. Maybe you were just feeling nostalgic for old times. Things were different back then and sometimes even I want to go back. Maybe that's what you wanted: to go back.”

Dot chewed her lip in thought. 

“I don't know, Cat. I don't think I wanted to go back to the time we were together. It was great and it was special, but I have no regrets about anything between us. We fell in love and then we fell out of it and that's okay. I think maybe I missed what it felt like to be in love. I didn't miss Magnus. I missed what it felt like to be held like I mattered to someone, to be looked at like I was important. Lately, it seems like I've been making sure everyone else felt that way. There were all those years with Jocelyn where I spent my life looking after her and keeping her safe. Then, there's Clary. I love that girl more than I love myself, but she's so swept up in her new life that I've been kind of pushed to the sidelines. I guess I just want someone to make me feel like they care and trying to kiss Magnus was some futile attempt at finding that again. I'm starting to think I never will. Maybe I'm not meant to have that in my life.”

While she was talking, a stray couple of tears streaked down Dot's cheek. Catarina felt her heart break in her chest. Dot shouldn't have to feel this way. She deserved to be loved and cherished for all that she is. She was beautiful and selfless and everything that made the world good. 

Catarina reached out to wipe away the tears, her thumb brushing the pillow of Dot's cheek. 

“Dot, you deserve to feel that way. Maybe Magnus wasn't the right place to go looking for it, but I promise you will find someone to love you like you need. You are stunning and kind and brilliant. Someone will come along and they’ll recognize how absolutely irreplaceable you are.”

Dot let out a barely audible gasp before finally turning her head to look at Catarina. Her lips were parted slightly in surprise. Catarina felt her cheeks flush under the attention. She'd said too much and she knew it, but she couldn't let Dot sit there and think that she wasn't worthy of anything and everything life had to offer her. 

“Cat…”

Catarina hastily pulled her hand back and cleared her throat. The embarrassment was hot in her face. All these years Catarina had been trying to hide how she really felt and she'd just ruined it because Dot looked so pretty in the low light and because Catarina hated seeing her so sad. 

“I'm sorry,” Catarina stuttered out, standing and wiping her palms on her pants. The nervous energy was becoming too much and she couldn't remain still no matter how hard she tried. “I didn't mean to overstep and I probably just made a huge ass out of myself. Dot, I didn't mean to-”

Dot stood and took Catarina's hand in her own, effectively erasing any thoughts from her brain. 

“Cat, it's okay. Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me that you think so highly of me.”

“How could I not? Look at you,” Cat murmured. 

Dot moved in closer. She smelled of vanilla with just a hint to whiskey.

“Look at me? Look at you. Catarina Loss, a warlock, a nurse, and an all-around wonderful person. You're so fucking smart it's actually kinda terrifying. You're witty and sarcastic and unafraid to knock people down a peg when they need it. You're also so unbelievably beautiful that I thought you couldn't possibly be real when I met you. Most importantly, you're the most supportive person and friend I've ever known. You're magnificent, Cat.”

Catarina thought she might actually explode. Never in her wildest dreams had she ever thought that Dot would look at her like she was looking at her in that moment or say words that were so sweet they made her toes curl and goosebumps race across her skin. 

“I don't know what to say to that,” Catarina admitted. 

“You don't have to say anything,” Dot breathed as she moved in closer. 

She squeezed Catarina's hand and pulled her forward. Their bodies were pressed close and Cat could feel every steady rise and fall of the other warlock's chest. Catarina let her other hand fall against Dot's waist, the fabric of her dress soft against Catarina's fingers. 

Dot's lips were mere centimeters from Catarina's and the thought of kissing her was unbelievably tempting. She'd wanted this moment for so long and now it was finally happening. 

Except it couldn't happen. 

Catarina leaned in and pressed her lips to Dot's cheek instead. 

“We can't,” she sighed, moving back to look into Dot's eyes. 

“Why not?” 

“You've had a lot to drink. You're clearly upset. I'm Magnus’ best friend and you're his ex. I don't want to hurt him. I can't do this, no matter how much I want it. I’m sorry, Dorothea.”

Dot nodded and smiled sadly. 

“I get it. I really do, but just so you know, I've liked you for years and not just when I'm drunk. I meant what I said. You're magnificent, Catarina Loss. Also, I think you're overestimating how upset Magnus would be to see us together and underestimating how much he wants you to be happy. You should talk to him about it. See what he says. He might surprise you.”

Dot leaned in and laid her own kiss upon Catarina's cheek. She couldn't help but close her eyes and savor the moment. If this was all she ever got to have, Catarina was going to make sure she remembered it. 

They separated a minute later. 

“Thank you for tonight,” Dot said. “And if you ever change your mind about us, send me a fire message, okay?”

“Okay,” Catarina answered. 

“Or give me a call, if you still have my number.”

“You know I do.”

Dot smiled gently, just a small upturn of her lips, as she walked to the door and it made the magic in Catarina's veins glitter and race. She was surprised sparks weren't already dancing around her fingers. 

“Goodnight, Cat.”

“Goodnight, Dot.”

.

Catarina placed her cell down once she said goodbye. Of course, Dot was right. Despite the initial shock of hearing about Catarina's affection for Dot, Magnus was thrilled that she had found someone she genuinely cared about. He was so encouraging and warm and Catarina shouldn't have doubted his love for her. Magnus would never stand between her and genuine happiness. 

Maybe, deep down, she'd always known he would be supportive but she needed a reason not to go through with it. Catarina had never been the most romantically inclined. Unlike many other warlocks, she'd only fallen in love a handful of times. They'd all been beautiful, important people and even then it had always taken her a long time to fully allow them into her heart. Dot was no different. Catarina was so reluctant to fully giving into the vulnerability of love again that she searched for any reason to convince herself that it would be a mistake. 

She couldn't lie to herself anymore. 

Catarina wanted to be with Dot and now she finally had the chance. 

Catarina picked up her phone. 

“Hi, Dot. It's Catarina. How would you feel about dinner tomorrow night?”

“I'd love that.”


End file.
